The Adventures of MrDaBucket and Kaz Hirai Volumes 1 – 4

Posted on March 8, 2007. Filed under: features, wednesdays | Tags: , |

I’m going to start posting some user-created items now. Lots! This new series is by a fellow GAP Member and his adventures. Read on because there are 23 volumes all waiting to be published!

PART One: It Begins Again

And then there was silence through throughout the streets. A calm night from the plants in Del-Ray to the ghettos of Southwest Detroit…until a Hind D helicopter( as seen in MGS1) lands on top on a newly rebuilt building. Then the pilot takes off into the night after dropping off 2 soldiers dragging a bag into the building.

???: State the password.

*A guard from inside the building comes onto the roof and addresses the 2 sodliers.*

Soldier 1: EFIL4ZAGGIN, sir!

???: Sorry but that’s not the password. *he pulls out a gun*

Soilder 2: *drops the bag and aims his AKs-74u rifle at the guard*

Bag: Oww!!! …the hell?!

Soilder 1: Quiet! *kicks the bag*

Soilder 2: *talking to the guard* Just open the ****ing door…..we got him.

Guard: Hmm……third floor. Mr.DB is waiting for you.

Soilder 2: *to the first soidler* Let’s go.

The 2 soilders and the talking tarp-like bag made their way into the building and walked down 2 flights of stairs until they reached the 3rd floor. On this floor, there is only one door with a sign that reads “Springwells Housing Projects HQ”.

Soilder 1: *knocks on the door* Hello?

The door just opens as Dr.Dre’s hit “California Love” is quietly playing in the room. In the room is a simple desk with a PSP on it, a bookshelf filled with GameInformer issues dating back to E3 2003 and lamp. Behind this desk, of course, was a chair turned backwards that stereotypically turned forwards towards the 2 soilder, only to reveal the lucky bastard to sit in this OGC brand chair.

MDB: Release him.

Soldier 2: *unties the bag only you reveal the infamous Kazuo Hirai, himself*

Kaz: This is a misunderstanding. The war is over. Lord Kutaragi promised us peace!

MDB: (Hold on….look Mr.Hirai, there is no Star Wars parody content in this story, which I am telling, so none of that.

Kaz: Ok.

MDB: Leave us.

Soldier 1: And our pay?

MDB: *pulls ut his sawed-off 12 gauge MrDaShotgun and fires a shell into the 1st soldier* Do you want that to happen to you also?

Soldier 2: Nnnnn…no sir!

MDB: Then do as I say and leave us.

Soldier 2: Yes, sir! *runs out of the room, while almost tripping over the first soilder’s bloody remains*

MDB: *to Kaz* Do you think i should of asked him to clean it up?

Kaz: ….

MDB: Right….I’ll ask for someone to clean that up later.
Anyways, you know why I had them capture you, right? I mean, I shouldn’t had to hire those GAP Knight ******** to capture a good friend. *picks up PSP and presses Start*
Have a seat, Mr.Hirai.

A chair emerges out of the floor right next to the Sony executive.

Kaz: Look, MrDaBucket…..this can all be talked through. Just reason with me-

MDB: -I’ve had enough reasoning! Now it’s time for action. I’ve made countless SCE Reports and still you don’t listen!

Kaz: Just let me explain myself!

MDB: Fine…… have 2 minutes. If I am displeased with your little story, I’ll sell you to Mr.MAD’s men.

(And you know what they did to Lailoken after he tried to steal the lengendary poutine recipe from MDB. Not to mention what they did tp Rapt00r’s arm after he double-crossed MDB….what? That’s right. You don’t, because you haven’t read Vol.5 yet….opps…..uh….spoiler alert….)

PART Two: It Continues to Begin Again

We left off with Kaz making dumb excuses to exclude TouchSense vibration technology from the SIXAXIS controller, the Tigers beating the Yankees 8 to 1, UofM beating MSU 31 to 13 and nobody writing **** for the SCER.

Kaz: ……and that’s where babies come from!

MDB: *pressing down button while speaking into PSP camera’s microphone* Take his ass out of here.

Kaz: NOOOO! Please don’t! Ken and Phil set me up! They’re the ones you want!

MDB: *presses the Square button* Bye *****.

A trap door then opened up in the floor and then swallowed Kaz along with the chair that spawned from that very hole.

Meanwhile….at the Sony Metreon.Ken: So, what do you think of the price now, Phil?Phil: Excellent. Soon we will bring peace and order to the industry. We just have one more problem.

Ken: And what would be that?

Phil: Kazou Hirai. He talked.

Ken: DAMN!

Phil: Do not worry. We must move quickly. Take the “giant-enemy-crabs” legion of the PlayStation armies and eliminate Kaz.

Ken: It will be done.

Phil: Wipe them out…..all of them.

Phil Harrison then warned Kutaragi to make sure that that giant-enemy-crabs would not be flipped over, seeing as that reveals their weak spot.

Kaz: *awakens from a small concussion-induced coma, only to awaken in the middle of a building that is being blown to pices* AHHH!!! Where am I?!Balding Canuck: You’re at General Bulmer’s ISA HQ. You were transfered here from MrDaBucket’s prison. It’s good to see you wouke up. This base is under attack by Helghast riding giant-enemy-crabs…..LOL!

Kaz: Get me out of here! I’ll do anything. ANYTHING!

Balding Canuck: Ok…foullow me. But if I help you, you must be my personal Dourito fetcher for a mounth.

Kaz: You’re what?

Balding Canuck: Well, you see….I like firing Doritos oot my noose. It’s all aboot the distance when you shoot it, eh?

An explosion interupts Mike’s stupid-ass speech.

Mike: And why is that?!

Because I said so you bastard, now shut the **** up and continue animating my story before I place you in a scene that involves Annette and bullets…..(and lots of ’em).

Mike: Fine then. So, what do I do froum here?

You “louse” the accent and rescue Kazou Hirai.

Kaz: What’s going on?

Mike: We’re getting out of here like the omnipotent-voice-that-comes-from-Detroit said to do.

More explosions shake the HQ.

Mike: Let’s go!

Kaz: Where?

Mike: To the ISA fortress, loucated in “The Hat”.

Kaz: Where are we?!

Mike: *In his best MDB impression* Canada, mother ******!

PART Three: The Hat

We join our heroes (the men and women of the ISA) fighting off the sudden Helghast/giant-enemy crab attacks on their Canadian establishments. We also find Kaz and MD-Jubenvillian fleeing the fight like the cowards they are in a stolen ‘Incognito WH-2″ jet that was still in the testing process.

Mike: WOOOOOOOHOOOOOOO!!!!! *nearly crashes into a Helghast drop ship*

Kaz: I thought you said you know how to fly this thing?

Mike: LOL! Don’t wourry! I trained for this type of thing back in ‘Operation: PSOne Launch’ with a standard DS2 controuller.

Kaz: But this is the new model!

Mike: Eh?

The 2 in their jet almost are shot down by standard Helghan Anti-Air cannons as seen in the E3 2005 Killzone trailer.

Mike: AHH! We’re hit! This is the end!


Mike: Eh? *starts controlling with the six degrees of freedom that the new model allows* Hmm…cool.

Kaz: *in an arrogant tone* $650-CDN worth of coolness?

Mike: Well, there isn’t any vibratioun. Sourta lame.

Kaz: Well….uh…there isn’t cuz…uh…..the sensors are too delicate!

Mike: Stephen already told me your little stoury. But I’m using it and they doun’t seem too sensitive.

Kaz: Well….uh…it’d cost too much!

Mike: Oh…ok.

The VoIP teamspeak line starts ringing.

Mike: *puts on bluetooth headset* Hello?

???: Woah! It’s good to see somebody evacuated the jet from Bulmer’s fallen base. By the way, where is he?

Mike: I dunno. Wait, who is this?

???: This is the Imersion Corp. We were just relaying the evacuation orders from the Calgary ISA fortress and spotted you on the radar, so we decided to make sure you guys delivered the jet to the Calgarian forces.

Mike: Ok. We’ll have it there within 3 days!

Imersion: Ok…how is it fuctioning?

Mike: Great! The tilt-sensing is smooth for flight. Just no vibratioun.

Imersion: Yeah, we’re trying to nogotiate to have it added to the SIXAXIS system that controls the jet.

Mike: But isn’t that too expensive?

Imersion: Nope. If I could possibly relay you these charts, you’d learn that it wou-

Kaz: -*turns off the radio* Umm…uh…got any good music on here? How about “Ridin'” by Chamillionaire?

Mike: Oh! Here we are! Medicine Hat! We’ll stop here at this secret ISA base for the night.

Kaz: It’s a giant teepee.

Mike: Yeah and they got Guitar Herou! Let’s go! *lands the jet as if he were an average gamer landing the Warhawk jet at E3 2006…imperfectly*

Kaz: *gets out and begins walking towards the entrance of the base* Wow…it’s cold here, huh?

Mike: *gets out and heads towards the entrance also* Yeah, it gets could here, eh?

The 2 journey into the large teepee.

Meanwhile….in CalgaryMDB: Do you have any Wiis?

Colin: I have a Wii. *laughs in a nerd-like manner*

MDB: *hangs up* Thanks for letting me use your phone, Lady Yukino.

Annette: Feel free to use it anytime….as long as you bring lots of Chex Mix and the black cherry&french vanilla flavored Pepsi Jazz! 😀

MDB: *puts on his new t-shirt* Hmm….are you really my dealer?

Annette: Of cour-

MDB: -Or am I your means of economical survival?

Annette: Just go. I got customers….or something.

MDB: Whatever…I’ll leave. *leaves*

We rejoin our cowards playing the new Guitar Hero 2 demo that Major Nichos recieved in the new issue of OPM.Kaz: GUUUUUUIIIITAAAARRR HEEERRROOOO!!!!!

Nichos: Shutup! *smokes more of the “peace pipe”*

Mike: *takes a puff* Damn…”YYZ” is a hard song to play.

Kaz: As you can see, I’m not very good as this game either.

Mike: Hey, Nichos! Why is this place called Medicine Hat, anyways?

Nichos: Well, you see-

-Okay…I’m just going to cut him off because this is a generally boring tale that is probably not even true….so instead I’ll insert a more intresting, let alone comical version of the story. If you want the allegedly real version, just ask “nichos”.

Nichos: *chugs down a bottle of cough syrup* Now, do you know why?

Mike: Yup.

Kaz: Hey! What’s in this box?

Mike: What box? *takes a puff of the “peace pipe” and a drink fo cough syrup* All I see is that damn rubber ducky from all of the PlayStation tech demos.

Kaz: *opens box* It’s Ridge Racer!

Nichos: Here we go again…


PART Four: The Battle of Calgary

Hey…didn’t see ya there. Now, where did I leave off again? Oh yeah…..Ken and MDB fought a terrible lightsaber dual at the Sony Metreon.

Ken: Kaz never told you what happened to your father.

MDB: He didn’t tell me anything. In fact, he never met my father.

Ken: Oh….well I-

MDB: -My dad left a long time ago! What the **** are you exactly talking about?

Ken: Well I wanted to go with the current parody theme so I was hoping you’d play along.

MDB: **** you… *walks back over to the Resistance orgy in front of a big-ass 1080p screen*

Oh…wait a sec. That never happened/happens/does’t happen! Here is the real story!

Annette: Well, I’m running out of Chex Mix and Pepsi!

MDB: And what do you expect me to do? I need the rest of my money to get to San Francisco!

Annette: Oh…sorry, I got customers…

MDB: Wow….really?

Annette: Yeeeaahh…

MDB: But aren’t they afraid of the Helghast/giant-enemy-crabs attacking Calgary? I mean, your store is on ISA property and I left Kaz in the hands of the ISA, so I could make it to the PS3 party.

Annette: So you think he’s alive? I mean, he’s with Dave and his men.

MDB: Me and Kaz go waaay back. He’ll survive.

Annette: Well, my customers REALLY need me!

MDB: Ok…take care….bye. *hangs up before Yukino can*

The first tank fires a round at the teepee.Nichos: *Wakes up on the floor* Huh….where’s Mike?

Kaz: He left us in that jet! That bastard!

Nichos: Damn! Ok, now we need to evacuate!

Kaz: Why not fight them? Is this not an ISA base?!

Nichos: Oh yeah! That’s right! I guess the “peace pipe” smoking and Medicine Hat brand cough syrup must of got us distracted. *talks into his radio* BATTLESTATIONS! NOW!

And the battle of “The Hat” began. Sorta like any battle you’ll see in a Killzone fanfic or someting of that sort. So I’ll just sum it up for ya.

ISA Forces: *holds their ground*

Helghast/GEC: *ran away in a direct retreat from the 5th GEC legion commanded directly under the rule of Phil Harrison*

Meanwhile….in the outskirts of Calgary.
The GEC/Helghan forces are gathering for a massive attack on the Calgarian ISA front.
Phil: It’s time to surround the city, troops!

Some troops start moving out.

Phil: *into his radio* Legion 5!!! How is the siege on Edmonton, going?

Legion 5: *over Phil’s radio* We have taken the capital, sir.

Phil: Good…now come back here. I have a special mission for you.

Back at The Hat.Nichos: *opens the door to the H3* Just enough gas to get us to Calgary. I have a friend there who knows both MrDaBucket and Mike, so he might of fled there. Either way, my gaming instincts tell me that we’ll find the answers there…or we’ll find new weapons and Karsh will join our party.

Kaz: O_O

Nichos: Oh yeah….I forgot you suck at games. By the way, I’ll teach you how to play Ridge Racer 1 next time when we get a chance.

Kaz: *hops is the H3*

Hummer H3: *guzzles gas, improves the effectiveness of global warming, looks good, can be unlocked in Mercenaries and heads towards Calgary*

War! The Calgarian ISA Forces are under an ISA attack. Fighting is everywhere. There are gamers on both sides. In a stunning turn of events, Phil Harrison’s forces have broken into the cities and are now besieging the EB Games as seen in “Yukino Desu-Yo!”.Phil: *into radio* Are the oil rigs gone, yet?

Darth Maul(Monkey-King): Yes, my master.

Phil: Good….now go to the EB Games from Yukino Desu-Yo! and wipe out the rest of Wii-joke makers!

MK: It will be done my master.

Phil: *changes radio channels* Legion 5? Meet my bounty hunter at EB Games.

Legion 5: Okey-dokey!

Meanwhile….at Yukino’s Anime Shop. We find Annette eating poutine and Colin running towards the shop with a trail of urine following him.Colin: *runs into the shop* ANNETTE! THEY’VE TAKEN THE EB FRONT!!! WE HAVE TO GET OUT OF HERE!

Annette: Oh crap…Ryan is going to be pissed. The shop will be the next target seeing as I’m hiding ISA troops under the counter. *looking down* How’s it going Joel?

Joelg: Well, it’s time to fight….gundamless…*sighs*

A whole lot of troops just sorta pop out of nowhere and turn the hent…I mean, anime shop into an old fasion ISA stronghold.

Meanwhile….at Annette’s new house.Ryan: *cheats on Annette.*

Back to the fight….uhh…while I distracted you from the storyline, the armies of Phil Harrison have reduced most of the city to rubble….and an awfully fammilar jet lands nearby the Yukino battle fortress and a balding canuck hops out, while eating poutine.Mike: This place gout demoulished, eh?

Annette: Lose the accent and get inside before the giant-enemy-crabs get you!

Mike: Oukay….I will.

Tanks, APCs and a battalion of troops with flamethrowers led by some crown-wearing guy in a monkey costume take fire at the shop.

Joelg: Holy ****! *into watch* BIG O!

Big O (as seen in…Big O) bursts out of the ground like the Kool-Aid guy and saves the day. The End…..just kidding. Instead, Annette backhand-slaps him, hands him a rifle and commands everyone to defend her while she plays “Initial D” on her PSP on the store’s couch.

MK: It ends here. *turns around and addresses his troop* You have done well today. But, I shall slay these ones.

Annette: *polishes her decoder ring*

Mike: And just, whou the hell dou you think you are, eh?

MK: I AM…MONKEY KING! AHHHH!!!! *draws his lightsaber and begans to run at the ISA soilders*

A mysterious cloaked man approaches.

???: *shoots Monkey-King in the knee cap, disabling him*

Mike: Dave! You’re alive! Where have you been all ouf this time?!

Dave: I can’t tell you what I was doing…but I’ll let you know, I was NOT testing the PS3.

Mike: ……ok. I believe you and do not question anything about you letting your men die and your base fall to the GEC armies.


Annette: *gets off her lazy ass and makes her way to the phone* Damn…you people just keep getting lazier and lazier. I mean, you can’t even use your own phone! I’m expecting calls, ya know, from some very IMPORTANT people!

Mike: Sure, you dou…..

Annette: *throws PSP at Mike’s head…knocking out more of his hair* Shutup!

Mike: OUW! *grabs PSP off of the floor* Hey! A free PSP! *begans to cry* You GAP peouple got me a free PSP! You’re the best friends a man could ever have! GIVE ME A HUG!

Dave: *shoots Mike with stun dart*


Panther: Did you know that it says “ambulance” backwards on the front of EMS trucks?

Annette: No. *to MK* And you! Quit your bitching! *picks up phone*


And all of a sudden, out of the sky, a Hummer H3 landed on Monkey-King.

Nichos: *gets out H3* Oh ****! Did I hit another wicked witch, again?!

Kaz: *Pokes head out the window* That’s the 8th time on the way here! I knew I should of drove!

Nichos&Mike: Not after last night’s Ridge Racer games!

The helghast tanks then took fire on the anime shop and blew it too pieces.

Dave: Pfftt…n00bs. *goes over to the remains of anime shop, picks up an ISA assualt rifle* I didn’t play Killzone so damn much for nothing, ya know.

Nichos: o_o Go get ’em Dave!

[insert a video clip of Dave playing Killzone online and killing everyone and pretend that it’s of him slaying the ground troops]

Dave: Hoo-rah!

Nichos: *gets back in H3* Let’s get out here, Kaz!….Kaz?
Where’d you go?!

Kaz: *gets into WH-2 jet* Sayonara! *flies away*

Dave: Who knew that he’d learn so quickly? I think he knew how to control that think, 2 weeks before today!

The remaining Helghast tank runs Dave over.

Nichos: *turns on H3* Oh ****! *begins to drive away*

The tank drives after the Hummer H3 and fires 2 round, blowing it to peices.

Dave: I’m not dead! Hah! I knew I was the greatest Helghast-slayer ever! HAHAHAHAHA! *begins to crawl away*

The tanks then stops at the wreckage of the H3 to make sure that it’s driver was dead. The cannon then rotates towards Dave.

Dave: Oh crap. They spotted me! *goes into fetal posisition*

Right before you think the tank is going to fire, Chewbacca pops out of the cockpit.

Chewbacca: ROAR!

Dave: Chewie, it was you the whole time?!

Meanwhile….in San Francisco, a jet lands perfectly on top of that building Neo worked at at the beggining of the first Matrix movie.Kaz: *gets out of the jet* Hello, Mr.Weaving.

Hugo Weaving: Hey Kaz! Just taking a smoke break. What are you doing here….on the roof?

Kaz: You know, just running from an inside joke-filled war. The usual. What are you doing here?

Hugo: Same old, same old. Looking for some guy named Mr.Anderson.

Kaz: You mean that pale man who tried to make a move on your ex-wife at the E3 1998 Sony party?

Hugo: Yeah….that bastard is going to pay!

Kaz: It’s been years, man! You haven’t found him, plus you and Jenna are now divorced.

Hugo: I know…..but I’m still mad. *looks at watch* Well, I gotta get back to searching. See ya. *jumps and flies away like Smith did in the third Matrix movie*

Kaz: Ah….that bastard. Little does he know that I’m dating his ex. *goes inside building*

Meanwhile….at a coffee shop across the street from the building, MrDaBucket is drinking a “VentiCafeMocha” to survive.MDB: So it begins….*takes another sip of hot mocha*….

He then left the unamed coffee shop after finshing his hot beverage and punching a liberal.

MDB: So….you’ve decided to steal an ISA jet, land it on top of a movie from a movie I’ve seen and then try to return to the Metreon to beg for forgiveness? Hah! *begins walking down the street….in the direction of the Metreon*

[insert “dun duhn duh” noise here]

To be continued….

Well, that’s it for now. I know you guys want more but your going to have to wait until next Wednesday!


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